at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
