no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I want a musical about memes.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
