I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I love having hate sex.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I supernannyed him into submission
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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