why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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