false alarm. still invincible.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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