Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
