I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
