listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
