I am puke
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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