we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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