Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
