I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
