Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
