Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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