a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
