i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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