Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
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