Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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