I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
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