U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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