at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
