Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
