I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
