it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
