do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
we're so committed to being not committed
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
