answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
