Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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