I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
