And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
