Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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