Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he thought i was a dude.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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