I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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