I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
