life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
