I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
