I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
