the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
