Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize