im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize