I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
