Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
