he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
