I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
The feeling are messing with the penis
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
