what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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