you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
