FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
