I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
