drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
