dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
