When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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