At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm both gender and math confused
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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