Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
