If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I smell like Dick and happiness
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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