The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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