The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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