you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
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