Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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