How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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