Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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