Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Also, beer. Big fan.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize