My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
