one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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