Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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