you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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